I know nobody will probably read this, I don't really use this forum that much, but I need a place to let out some thoughts, I think here is the best place.
I'm approaching my 24th birthday and I can't help but look back at my life and all that I've been through. I don't know what's wrong with me, maybe I have BPD, maybe I don't. Maybe it's something else. Maybe I'm just a freak who doesn't fit any disorder, not that that would necessarily be a bad thing I suppose, but I feel like BPD gives me an explanation for a lot of my life and how I have behaved and how I have always felt.
Right now I'm 23 (almost 24) and I still don't have a ######6 clue who I am. What my real personality is. I honestly don't even know what my real speaking voice is. It changes depending on where I've been living and who I've been spending the most time with. I can't make up my mind who I want to be. I know what I want to do. I want a career in the music industry. I want to be big. I have big, wild, crazy dreams of being hugely famous. But how can I be a star when I don't even know what my personality is? And also I'm so lonely, how would I cope with fame? How would I cope when I'm so unpredictable?
I feel like I'm a compass that won't stop spinning. That just can't settle on a direction. I feel like it's been like that for years. Stuck because I haven't been able to just stick with something and move forward. Since I left school, everything I have tried I have been thrown out of. First college, then jobs.
I used to have friends. At some points of my life you would have even said I was popular, with crazy confidence. But nobody is ever my real friend, because in the end they all leave me.
I have been through stages where I am the life and soul of the party. But they never last. Different people who know me have different impressions of me. Some people I know if asked to describe me would say I am very confident, very cheeky, very clever and very loud. Others would say very timid, very shy and reserved. Some would say that I disregard the rules too much and think that they don't apply to me, others would say I am too cautious and too uptight.
I feel like I have been every kind of person. But this me inside has always felt pretty much the same. I feel like I've just been fooling everyone.
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I hope so too.